Complaint Letter of the Year

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for

your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this

three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had

not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity

of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,

so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to

rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can

have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working

day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your

technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57

minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more

annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes

- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -

such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem

had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem

arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours

between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am

still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my

mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a

variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly

skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows

whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);

that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an

answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be

transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating

Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a

thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of

those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't

care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's

in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,

therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful

customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more

disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to

their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't

anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered

to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless

shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of

distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons

of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless

inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and

foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that

you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for

the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to

deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and

disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused

rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my

cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for

both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not

become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the

time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did

not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them

the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless

employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

Dodam ze moja wspolpraca z Telewestem zaczela sie bardzo podobnie :P